You came into my life when I didn’t think I needed you. And you managed to stick around, despite all the drama that always manages to follow. Despite all the drama I come with, you stick around and prove me wrong, every time I prepare for you to leave. You are everything you claimed to be, and more.
From voicing your thoughts on feminism, to your favourite video games and Star Wars theories, you make sure people always know how you feel.
And then you did something strange. Something not many people have cared about, or done before. You asked me how I felt. You got me involved.
You made me feel. But I have never been good at feelings, darling. And you, are a bundle of feelings.
You constantly tell me how much you love me, and while I may or may not do the same, I can’t help but think about the concept. I have come to learn the hard way, that I’m not easy to love. I am not trivialising your feelings but, my parents have lived with me all my life and even they find it difficult to love me at times. Hell, most people don’t even like me very much. I can be brash, crass, and brutally honest about things that I know will hurt you. And if you know me well enough, you know that when it comes to me, there is only one way – my way. And somehow, you are okay with that.
You are okay with always apologising first (despite not being at fault), giving in to my preferences, not being as dramatic as you’d like, and just putting me first.
You feel, and you feel deeply. I, on the other hand, won’t allow myself to feel. We are not a case of opposite attract. I think, we are a case of cancelling out. I have never been good at math, but I think it’s like division. It cancels out to such an extent that in the end, there is nothing. Nil. Zilch. Zero. Shoonya.
But despite that, we try. You hold on, and so do I. But I’m afraid of what the future holds for you always have too many questions, and I have no answers. You are always there, and I never am. You can love, and I am not meant for love. Your heart is too big, and mine, sometimes non-existent. You don’t know how to say goodbye, and goodbyes are all that I’ve ever known.
We will cancel out.
(But I hope we don’t.)